Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
