If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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