She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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