Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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