She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
