He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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