I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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