i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
