I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
