boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Did we literally take a cab across the street
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
