So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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