Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize