my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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