DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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