Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
