I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
