I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
