Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
