I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
