I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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