hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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