they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
