covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I will be naked everywhere
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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