Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
