Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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