I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
