Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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