the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
