I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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