apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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