Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize