; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
