she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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