He disabled his match.com account in front of me
this boner is exhausting
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
