remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
