How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
