I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
