don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
