everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
