So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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