It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
