Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
