Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
