i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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