John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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