Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The power of my boobs compel you
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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