Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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