You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize