Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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