There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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