My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize