My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
