I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
