Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
