Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
