M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
