I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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