1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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