i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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