pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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