Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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