Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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