We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
