Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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