Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
