Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
