i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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