My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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