i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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