I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
